The Ballad of Eskimo Nell - a composite version

Now way out west, where the very best and worst live side by side,
I've a tale to tell of Eskimo Nell and the men and women who died,

When Dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete set out in search of fun,
Its Dead Eyed Dick who wields the prick and Mexican Pete the gun,

They'd had no luck, by way of a fuck, for well on nigh a week,
excepting a moose or two and a caribou and couple of frozen sheep,

So Dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete set out for the Rio Grande;
Dead Eyed Dick with his solid prick and Pete with his gun in his hand,

And so they blazed their sandy trail, no man their path withstood,
And many a bride, her husband's pride, knew pregnant widowhood,

They hit the banks of the Rio Grande just about burning noon;
To do their worst and slek their thirst they sought Red Mike's saloon,

To the bar they strolled with a steady stride and ordered drinks for three,
"According to sex, you bloody wrecks, you'll drink or fuck with me,"

And they knew the tricks of Dead Eyed Dick from the Horn to Panama,
So with nothing worse than a muttered curse those dago's sought the bar,

And the women knew his playful ways down on the Rio Grande
so forty whores tore down their drawers at Dead Eyed Dick's command,

Now forty arseholes and forty cunts, as you'll see if you use your wits,
And if you're quick at arithmetic signifies eighty tits,

Now eighty tits is a goodly sight to a man with a mighty stand,
A sight that's rare in Berkeley square but not on the Rio Grande,

Now Dead Eyed Dick had fucked a few on the preceding night,
And this he'd done in a spirit of fun to whet his appetite,

The first he bore to the sandy floor and fairly fucked her fine
And though she grinned it put the wind up the other thirty-nine,

Now Dead Eyed Dick he fucks 'em quick-he flung the first aside,
And made a start on the second tart, when the doors flew open wide,

Then entered in to that hall of sin, into that harlots' hell,
A lusty maid who was unafraid-and her name was Eskimo Nell,

Now Dead Eyed Dick had got his prick well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell lets out a yell and shouts to Dick 'Hey you!'
A startled flick of his muscular prick and the tart flew over his head; He whirled about with snarling shout, his face and knob deep red,

But Eskimo Nell she stood it well and looked him between the eyes; She gazed with scorn at the mighty horn as it rose from his hairy thighs,

She blew a jet from her cigarette over the end of his steaming knob,
so utterly beat was Mexican Pete that he failed to do his job,

'Twas Eskimo Nell who broke the spell in accents clear and cool:
'You cunt-struck simp of a Yankee pimp, you call that thing a tool?'

'If there's none in this town can take that down,' she sneered at the trembling whores,
'Here's a cunt that will do the stunt, and it's Eskimo Nell's, what's yours?'

She took off her garments one by one, with an air of conscious pride,
Till there she stood in her womanhood and they saw the great divide,

She spread herself on a table-top where someone had left a glass,
With a flick of her tits she crushed it to bits,
'twixt the muscular cheeks of her arse,

She drew up her knees with supple ease and opened her thighs apart,
With a languid nod to the randy sod, she gave him the cue to start,

But Dead Eyed Dick knew a trick or two and so he took his time;
A wench like this was fucking bliss, so he played a pantomime,

He flicked his foreskin up and down, he made his balls inflate,
Till they looked like a couple of granite knobs on top of a garden gate,

He whisked his penis up and down till his balls had trebled their size,
And his mighty prick was twice as thick as it rose from his mighty thighs,

He massaged his tool with alcohol to make it steaming hot,
And to finish the job he peppered his knob from a cayenne pepper pot,

He did not run or jump or make a flying leap,
Nor did he swoop but took a stoop and steadily forward creep,

With lustful light he took a sight along that gleaming tool,
And the calm slow way he pushed it in was calculating, cool,

If you've ever seen the pistons on a giant CPR,
With the driving force of a thousand horse-then you know what pistons are,

Or you think you do, but you haven't a clue on the ins and cuts of the tricks,
and the work that's done on a non-stop run by a prick like Dead Eyed Dick's,

But Eskimo Nell, she took it well, she never made a scream,
She'd the strength of ten in her abdomen and a 'Rock of Ages' beam,

Amidships she could stand a wash like the flush of a water-closet,
And she gripped his cock like a 'Chatwood' lock in the National Safe Deposit,

Now Dead Eyed Dick would not come quick - he meant to reserve his powers;
When he'd a mind, he'd stay and grind for a couple of solid hours,

She lay a while with a subtle smile, then the grip of her cunt grew keener;
And with a gentle sigh, she sucked him dry, with the case of a vacuum cleaner,

He fell to the floor, he knew no more, his passion extinct and dead,
He didn't shout as his tool came out, though it certainly stripped the thread,

Then Mexican Pete leapt to his feet to avenge his friend's affront;
He shoved his colt with a savage jolt right up to the top of her cunt,

He rammed it hard to the trigger guard and fired it three times three.
To his surprise Nell closed her eyes and squealed with ecstasy,

She rose to her feet and looked so sweet: "Bully," she said, "for you,
Though I might have guessed that was the best you Yankee simps could do."

"When next, my friend, you two intend to sally forth in fun,
Get Dead Eyed Dick a sugar-stick and buy yourself a bun,

I'm going back to the frozen north, where the pricks are hard and strong:
back to the land of the all-night stand-where the nights are six months long.

Where you get it in bits as hard as tin in the land where spunk is spunk-
not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream, but a solid frozen chunk."

"Back to the land where they understand what it is to copulate;
Where even the dead lie two in a bed and the infants masturbate,

And there I'll spend a worthy end for the North is calling me,
And good luck and a fuck is all I ask from the fate befalling me."

The following lines have been removed from newer versions where the oldest version had no equivalent or, in my humble opinion, differed significantly for the better.

When men grow old and their balls get cold and the tips of their knobs turn blue,
Looking back on life, 'midst struggle and strife, they could tell you a tale or two.
So buy me a drink and 1 will think and a tale to you I'll tell
Of Dead Eyed Dick and his muscular prick and a whore named Eskimo Nell.

When Dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete felt sore, depressed or sad,
'Twas mainly cunt that bore the brunt, though the shootings weren't too bad.

Now Dead Eyed Dick and Mexican Pete were working Deadman's Creek;

Since Dead Eyed Dick's was the king of pricks he found this fucking slow.

Came crashing in with doors aswing, both prick and gun flashed free;
'According to sex, you bloody wrecks, you'll drink or fuck with me.'

They saw the finger of Mexican Pete twitch on that pistol grip;

They didn't wait but at a fearful rate those whores began to strip,
While Dead Eyed Dick was breathing quick with lecherous snorts and grunts,
Till forty arses were bared to view and likewise forty cunts.

His mighty knob was in fighting trim as he backed and took a run,
And landed square in the nearest quim and scored a hole in one.

When Dead Eyed Dick performs this trick one can do nought but stare;
With speed and strength on top of length he fairly singes hair.

Though, fair to state, 'twas not too great, but it had a solid rim,
Viewed from without it left no doubt of the tensile strength within.

But Eskimo Nell, so the onlookers tell, lay smiling and aloof,
With the strength of ten in her abdomen and a vault that was bullet-proof.

She performed this feat in a way so neat that it set a great defiance
Against basic laws that govern the course of normal sexual science.
She singly rode through the well-known code which for aeons has stood the test,
And established rules of established schools in that second or two went west.

And so my friend we approach the end of this copulative epic;
The effect of this on Dick and his prick was like an anaesthetic.

'Back again to the mighty men, to the Terra Bollicum;
'I go, my friends, to a worthy end; for the north is calling "Come".'

So when a man grows old and his balls grow cold and the tip of his prick turns blue;
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle-I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you?